Holiday note

Hi Everyone;

Just wanted to send a quick update. It's been a crazy year. Last Christmas was very scary, I was so sick and very unsure about my future.  I am very glad to report I am doing really well!   I have cancer meds to take everyday for 4 more years in hopes of keeping the cancer away as long as possible.  So I am as close as I will ever be to being cancer free.

  

Spending lots of time with family celebrating life. Also spending time working on getting stronger.  And that being said; I am back to work the second week on January. short shifts to start. I haven't done anything for 8 hours other than hospitals in 16 months.  

I will keep you all posted and when my bike training starts as you know I am riding again in 2014.  It's going to be my best year yet.

With all my heart I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  

You all have been a part of my success and I thank you so very much xoxoxoxoxox

Here's to health and happiness in 2014

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Next Steps

As you know I have been fighting cancer for 16 months, so pretty much a year and a half.  My whole life has been focused on "my life" and dealing with cancer. Whether it was tests or doctors appointments or treatments, it has been all consuming.  Now as of last month, I am "cancer free" well I have 4 years of meds still to take and countless tests and monitoring, but cancer free. 

What does that mean? Am I just to get over it and say, oh well that was a hell of a year. I don't want to focus on the negative, but how do you just get over it and move forward.  I want to honour myself and respect all that I have dealt with. I want to be proud of myself.  Some days will be good and some days will be bad but that is about as normal as you can get.  

Like beating cancer I can't do it alone.  It is still a challenge for me to ask for help. So starting next week I will be seeing a counsellor. I have made the appointment this is going to help me process all that has been the last year. I am proud of me and


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

It's Out

Well my port was removed yesterday.  When I think about it, it feels like a very long year that went by in a flash.  I had the port put in last December.  Because I needed more than a couple of treatments it was suggested I get the port to save the veins in my arms.  Chemo is pretty corrosive and can scare pretty badly. Now the YEAR of treatments are completed and yes it was a good decision. It did make treatment easier. I felt a bit weird some days.  I called it
i-chemo, I was plug and play just like my ipod :)

It did make treatment easier, but one of the side affects of chemo were some very vivid dark dreams.  One of them was recurring and it was the port moving in my chest, yes freaky and made sleeping tricky most nights. But it was a fundamental part of my treatment, so it's removal was going to be a big day. 

One because it truly meant to me I was cancer free. When the doctor said "I see no reason to keep it", I was pretty happy. Cancer is one of those things that never really goes away.  I already have appointments in January back at the cancer clinic. My dad asked but aren't you cancer free, I said yes on that afternoon I was cancer free, but it will come back, we just don't know how or when so we monitor and tests.  So when I was told the port could come out, it told me I really was cancer free as much as I could be.

So in the hospital for the removal, no sedation (looking back should have had some) they froze my chest with the nastiest needle I have ever had, when they say it doesn't hurt, remember that is coming from someone who has not had the needle. Holy ffffff it hurt. But the freezing kicks in, in a couple of minutes I was numb. My emotions sit pretty close to the surface and with the pain of the needle I got upset, hyperventilate and had tears running down my face. The nurses were great and are professionals at the art of distraction. Got my breathing under control and got me calmed down.

I asked if I could keep the port once it was out, surgeon looked at me like I was nuts but when I explained about my nightmares, he said absolutely. The nursed cleaned it for me and put it in a bottle. I call in my little alien. But I own it it doesn't own me.  It's all about moving forward. I have to take it easy for about a week no lifting stuff no hot baths for a couple days either but then I can really start to work on recovery. And no more nightmares.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Last Treatment

So on Thursday I got great news, the following day was going to be my last treatment and I am cancer free, 11 months and 17 cycles DONE WAHOOOOO!!!!!!!

So on Friday I decided to make my last treatment special. I asked my friend Ashley to come along she has been outstanding through my whole process.  I also decided to take a cake.  I got one big enough to share, and  had 17 cycles written on it.  

We got to the hospital and when my name was called for treatment the nurse laughed, cause I was crazy happy to be there and she knew why.  I got all plugged in and chemicals running.  The nurse got me a trolley and with chemical poll in tow, Ashley and I went around the ward and gave out cake. I got to share my day with everyone there.  Chatted with everyone some even asked questions. I was so happy I got to do that, cancer is not just about me. It's about all of us.  Cancer touches far to many lives and I would like to think one afternoon we smiled and cancer wasn't so bad.

I now move forward and work on recovery.  Only thing left is surgery to have the port taken out of my chest. Fingers crossed, it will be out my Christmas.  

Oh of course I had my Ride to Conquer Cancer jersey on, every single treatment my jersey(s) have been with me.  I know that everyone who rode, was with me in spirit and I drew on all that positive energy. Also strangely, every single treatment I HAD AMAZING SUNSHINE.  It made a huge difference to be able to sit in the sun, more positive energy.  I asked all my friends to stand in the sunshine for a few minutes on treatment days and think positively, even more positive energy.  

Still dealing with side affects and I still have lots to blog about, but moving forward. 

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Almost Last Treatment

As I approach my last treatment it has been a long road and the side effects have been the full range. 

What I struggle with the most now is being tired. When I get really tired I can't even think,  I even lose my words.  I know them in my head but have no idea how to get them out.  It is incredibly frustrating. When I run out to steam I am really done. 

Today is my last treatment, so going forward working on recovery.  I want to be strong and healthy, and fingers crossed not so tired. 

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Honour Yourself

 I talk about my cancer allot and one of the things that people are surprised by is that I found the lump myself, through self breast exams. Yes they work, as part of my monthly routine I moisturize my whole body. Check yourself.  People are surprised that it works.  So many say back “I don’t really know what I am looking for” and I explain you are only looking for changes and you will know when it is something odd. If you honour yourself by moisturizing your body. It will reward you by knowing first if there is a problem you need to follow up on. So  I was thinking, if you could for breast cancer awareness month that is coming up,  make a  pledge where you will fight for yourself, moisturize and honour yourself by checking for changes not cancer just changes. 

The worst thing that could happen you get nice happy skin.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Jeez I hate Cancer

So I saw my radiation oncologist yesterday. She confirmed I have lymphadema in my breast and chest. So what does that mean. Well my right boob that I had had the tumor and cancer, which I got ready to deal with it being small than the left one, is currently larger.  It is swollen and very sore. I get to massage it every night and fingers crossed in 6 months it should be better. The skin texture will take 2 to 3 years to go back to normal.

Strangely what bothers me most is when people find out I have breast cancer than stare at my chest, you can almost here them say it out loud, then why do you still have boobs. I will not apologize for having cancer or how I look. God someday's it feels like I have been doing that my whole life in one way or other. Afraid of people and what they think of me. I know crazy, but no more, this is me. Uneven, swollen and cancer kicking me.

Cancer is such a test of everything I have ever dealt with and then some. The next person you talk to who has cancer or even if they don't be kind they are dealing with allot of shit.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

The Ride Done and Dusted

Last weekend was the Ride to Conquer Cancer - it's 5th year and I have done all of them. This year was different.  It was a year less two days since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had the honour and privilege to be the ride survivor speaker at the opening ceremonies.  Yup I was a little freaked to speak to that large of a crowd, no hiding now, shit!

We had rehearsal on the Friday night before and I got through it, the MC Brian is a very kind man who's support and friendship have been outstanding.  Saturday morning OMG crowded.  Huge emotional moment but also cathartic.  It's interesting when you say things out loud, releasing them to the universe. They become over the top real but at the same time less scary. Just one more example of how the light and knowledge is how we will survive cancer and fingers crossed we will beat it.


this is me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G428ko9LTY

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Another One Done

Today I finished another treatment. number 12 of 17.  God I still hate the way I smell after treatment. It is the epitome of a chemical smell but it is coming from inside me. yuck! 

Chemo clinic was very busy today so they took me in the bone marrow clinic, it was lovely and quite in there.  Had an outstanding nurse "Sarah" who was able to use a smaller needle in my chest not like the regular hose they use, that's what it feels and looks like anyway. Love people who always go the extra step! The staff at Tom Baker are amazing and do a lovely job with so many people. The lease I can do is do to chemo with a smile on my face and happy to be there.

Some good news it was confirmed this week I have no new tumors (yippee)  but they don't know why I am so swollen so on to the next expert in late August.  I have just been told to keep an eye on it.  If it changes colour or get hot to call the doctor asap.  Funny currently my half boob is bigger than it was when we started all this.

All in all a very stress couple of weeks have a happy ending well at least less stressful ending. 


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Exercise and Goals part two

Cool stuff about exercise is it gives you back parts of your life if you let it.  

For about 20 years I haven't been able to get up on a chair. You know when you can't reach something you pull up a chair and get it.  Well I have had to get a step ladder or get someone else to do it for me. (hated that)  But this week I got new curtains for my bedroom pulled up a chair and put them up.  It was so cool to be able to just step and down.  Very Happy!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Exercise and My Goals

A question I have been asked by several people is what are my goals.  Depending on who's asking decides which ones we are talking about. In this case it is with regards to my weight.  All along I have been saying my goal is to be fit.  And I have to confess that is not completely true. If I was to be honest with myself I do want to be fit but I also really care about the number on the scale.  I want a number to be proud of.  I want a body and figure to be proud of before I die.  The last time I really felt like that I was a teenager. For a variety of reasons and events after that I started to hide myself. I became afraid. Now I can't really afford to do that any more.

It's time to get my head in shape and my body will follow.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ugh

So new lump find out Monday what it might be, hoping it's nothing but hard to sleep.

The Luxury of Bullshit

The luxury of bullshit. I know what the hell is that.  It is what I call what cancer has done to my everyday thinking.  

The luxury of bullshit is what you have before you are told you have cancer.  After that, if I wanted to survive I had to let go of all the bullshit. You know the shit you tell yourself that stops you being, the best you can be. 

It comes with the idea we have a limited time left.  It might not happen to everyone but it did me.  This last year two major things have happened.  One I was told I have breast cancer and the second I had decided to get healthy just before my diagnosis. Both items are inter-connected and strangely, I couldn't have done without the other.  What the hell does that have to do with bullshit you ask.  Well, to deal with the cancer; I decided to face it head on, eyes wide open to all of it, good and bad. My treatment plan is pretty hard core. As a result to be successful I could no longer lie to myself I had to see me for me. This ended up being the best thing for my second goal to get healthy.  The only reason I was overweight was, that I was bullshitting myself everyday. I was holding myself back from being the best Mary Beth there is, just because of fear.  Silly but very real fears.  So thank you to cancer and eliminating the luxury of bullshit.  I am 3/4 of my way through cancer treatment and 3/4 way to my first very major goal weight in 35 years. 

No more hiding!

I have a group of people that have been outstanding support - you know who you are. All my love to you. xoxoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

2/3rd's of the way

Yippee I am now two thirds of the way through treatment.

Healing from radiation took longer than expected. I had quite the radiation burn. It sounds funny but the inside of my breast (boob) is sore and tender.  The bounce is not good :).  I have started swimming, aquasize, which I love great for my hips and legs but some of the bouncing hurts even in the water.  I tried a new swim suit which is a sports suit and it's ok while it's dry but once we are wet :(

Everyone in radiation was just lovely.  I have meet some amazing people.  At your last radiation appointment you get to ring a bell. (popular ritual) any way I had gone to the appointment alone and wasn't going to bother but my radiation tech said, "oh yes we are, this is important and a way to release and move forward". So she came with me and I rang the bell, everyone in the waiting room cheered. She was right I am very grateful to her.

Surprisingly it is taking longer to heal from radiation than expected.  My scars are extremely tender and look a bit like road rash.

So some days I can actually forget I have cancer for a couple of minutes. But it always comes flooding back. Good days and bad I continue  to fight for me.

Processing still

I was at the cardiologist this week and the nurse was reviewing my cancer treatment and all she said was "Wow hardcore"  Ever had one of those moments when you realize this is worse than you think or planned.  I had that moment. 

But later that day I got an email from a friend and he reminded me that the work I had done with him was great training for what I am dealing, with and I think he was right.

A million years ago I ran the door at a night club, for over 10 years.  For me it was about respect, you couldn't buy your way in.  Respect me, Respect the space, and mostly Respect the other people around you.

I the real world what we want or ask for isn't what you always get, some people never learn respect.  We all know that asshole; who thinks he/she doesn't need play by the rule and doesn't respect anyone and sometimes not even themselves.


So I have decided my body is like the night club I will deal with it; with respect and love and need to be better. And the cancer is that asshole I need to kick out of the club.  Surgery bounced it out. Now I have to run around the club to make sure he/it doesn't seek back in.  We all know they will try, sometimes even threw the window.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Careful what you read or take in

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a co-worker, she had heard what I was dealing with.  She wanted to share her story and the story of a friend.  It was a long email with allot of info on how she felt and what I think she is still dealing with. I do hope she has a therapists to help with that.

I have found with cancer everyone heals with it differently and everyone takes in different info.  I need to be very careful with negative info I tend to absorb all the wrong stuff.  Part me is still dealing with what I have dealing with for years that I am not of value or Worthy of a good life.

So when I read her email and got freaked out.  She didn't have a good relationship with her oncologist and they had a discussion on it being her fault and it stuck me hard.  I thanked her for sharing her story and let her know if I had any questions I would contact her.

I new I couldn't engage in any further discussions with her at this time.  I felt bad but I knew it was not healthy for me.  To easy to slide backwards.

I believe I am a good person and for the most part the only person I have ever really hurt is me.  I have a difficult time making myself first.  With cancer I can't do that anymore me and my health needs to come first.  I am learning to push back and to take care of me.  Honest with me!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Moving forward

So my blood work came back great, so moving forward and another round of chemo in the morning.  Good news is it will be 4 hours instead of 5.5.  I think this is great news and with my meds fixed fingers crossed less vomiting.  SO cheers till next week.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Chemo again

This Friday, I have chemo again; in a strange way getting accustom to it.  It is a part of my life now, it is something I must do to keep moving forward.

Blood work tomorrow and then treatment to rock on Friday!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

More good things about chemo

Funny, I never would have thought chemo would teach me so much about myself.  In myself and what I accept for me. 

As you know I have been working on getting to a healthier place with myself.  Mostly on my bike and the gym at work,  but diet really.  With the changes In my body with regards to taste I no longer hide in food.  It no longer has that feel of satisfaction; some food make me actually sick, some have a chemical reaction that makes them taste rude.  NO MORE endorphins :(

Whole real food tastes good or has no flavour just texture.  As a result, chemo has moved me along the self food awareness road.  It may have taken years to get to where I am now.  I now see how much food I was really eating the amount and the size.

I am now eating so healthy we laugh at dinner at what I could justify before.  I would never wish chemo on any one but it sure moved me to a new better place.

Treatment Ready

I was at chemo prep today and all my blood was good.  So we are all set for my next round of chemo in the morning. 

Doctor switched up my meds to so fingers crossed less nausea.  After that I am half thru major chemo dame that was fast. 

I feel really good about treatment so this is where I am supposed to be.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Moving forward

I have decided that chemo is like the waves in the ocean. Some days I know I will be thrown against the rocks and some days I will ride an amazing wave and smile in the sun. But it is a set of waves I must ride.


With learning to surf as in my everyday life being so different from where I thought I would be. From a year ago till I hope a year from now huge swing of difference but all still my life. I have decided to do a couple of major bike rides this year and I plan on doing them better than I have ever done before. This is a challenge while doing chemo but I have decided. First one is in June and is 200k over today. Second on is Austin in October and 100k in one day.

READY SET RIDE,

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME