As you know I have been fighting cancer for 16 months, so pretty much a year and a half. My whole life has been focused on "my life" and dealing with cancer. Whether it was tests or doctors appointments or treatments, it has been all consuming. Now as of last month, I am "cancer free" well I have 4 years of meds still to take and countless tests and monitoring, but cancer free.
What does that mean? Am I just to get over it and say, oh well that was a hell of a year. I don't want to focus on the negative, but how do you just get over it and move forward. I want to honour myself and respect all that I have dealt with. I want to be proud of myself. Some days will be good and some days will be bad but that is about as normal as you can get.
Like beating cancer I can't do it alone. It is still a challenge for me to ask for help. So starting next week I will be seeing a counsellor. I have made the appointment this is going to help me process all that has been the last year. I am proud of me and
I WILL FIGHT FOR ME
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
It's Out
Well my port was removed yesterday. When I think about it, it feels like a very long year that went by in a flash. I had the port put in last December. Because I needed more than a couple of treatments it was suggested I get the port to save the veins in my arms. Chemo is pretty corrosive and can scare pretty badly. Now the YEAR of treatments are completed and yes it was a good decision. It did make treatment easier. I felt a bit weird some days. I called it
i-chemo, I was plug and play just like my ipod :)
It did make treatment easier, but one of the side affects of chemo were some very vivid dark dreams. One of them was recurring and it was the port moving in my chest, yes freaky and made sleeping tricky most nights. But it was a fundamental part of my treatment, so it's removal was going to be a big day.
One because it truly meant to me I was cancer free. When the doctor said "I see no reason to keep it", I was pretty happy. Cancer is one of those things that never really goes away. I already have appointments in January back at the cancer clinic. My dad asked but aren't you cancer free, I said yes on that afternoon I was cancer free, but it will come back, we just don't know how or when so we monitor and tests. So when I was told the port could come out, it told me I really was cancer free as much as I could be.
So in the hospital for the removal, no sedation (looking back should have had some) they froze my chest with the nastiest needle I have ever had, when they say it doesn't hurt, remember that is coming from someone who has not had the needle. Holy ffffff it hurt. But the freezing kicks in, in a couple of minutes I was numb. My emotions sit pretty close to the surface and with the pain of the needle I got upset, hyperventilate and had tears running down my face. The nurses were great and are professionals at the art of distraction. Got my breathing under control and got me calmed down.
I asked if I could keep the port once it was out, surgeon looked at me like I was nuts but when I explained about my nightmares, he said absolutely. The nursed cleaned it for me and put it in a bottle. I call in my little alien. But I own it it doesn't own me. It's all about moving forward. I have to take it easy for about a week no lifting stuff no hot baths for a couple days either but then I can really start to work on recovery. And no more nightmares.
I WILL FIGHT FOR ME
i-chemo, I was plug and play just like my ipod :)
It did make treatment easier, but one of the side affects of chemo were some very vivid dark dreams. One of them was recurring and it was the port moving in my chest, yes freaky and made sleeping tricky most nights. But it was a fundamental part of my treatment, so it's removal was going to be a big day.
One because it truly meant to me I was cancer free. When the doctor said "I see no reason to keep it", I was pretty happy. Cancer is one of those things that never really goes away. I already have appointments in January back at the cancer clinic. My dad asked but aren't you cancer free, I said yes on that afternoon I was cancer free, but it will come back, we just don't know how or when so we monitor and tests. So when I was told the port could come out, it told me I really was cancer free as much as I could be.
So in the hospital for the removal, no sedation (looking back should have had some) they froze my chest with the nastiest needle I have ever had, when they say it doesn't hurt, remember that is coming from someone who has not had the needle. Holy ffffff it hurt. But the freezing kicks in, in a couple of minutes I was numb. My emotions sit pretty close to the surface and with the pain of the needle I got upset, hyperventilate and had tears running down my face. The nurses were great and are professionals at the art of distraction. Got my breathing under control and got me calmed down.
I asked if I could keep the port once it was out, surgeon looked at me like I was nuts but when I explained about my nightmares, he said absolutely. The nursed cleaned it for me and put it in a bottle. I call in my little alien. But I own it it doesn't own me. It's all about moving forward. I have to take it easy for about a week no lifting stuff no hot baths for a couple days either but then I can really start to work on recovery. And no more nightmares.
I WILL FIGHT FOR ME
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