The Luxury of Bullshit

The luxury of bullshit. I know what the hell is that.  It is what I call what cancer has done to my everyday thinking.  

The luxury of bullshit is what you have before you are told you have cancer.  After that, if I wanted to survive I had to let go of all the bullshit. You know the shit you tell yourself that stops you being, the best you can be. 

It comes with the idea we have a limited time left.  It might not happen to everyone but it did me.  This last year two major things have happened.  One I was told I have breast cancer and the second I had decided to get healthy just before my diagnosis. Both items are inter-connected and strangely, I couldn't have done without the other.  What the hell does that have to do with bullshit you ask.  Well, to deal with the cancer; I decided to face it head on, eyes wide open to all of it, good and bad. My treatment plan is pretty hard core. As a result to be successful I could no longer lie to myself I had to see me for me. This ended up being the best thing for my second goal to get healthy.  The only reason I was overweight was, that I was bullshitting myself everyday. I was holding myself back from being the best Mary Beth there is, just because of fear.  Silly but very real fears.  So thank you to cancer and eliminating the luxury of bullshit.  I am 3/4 of my way through cancer treatment and 3/4 way to my first very major goal weight in 35 years. 

No more hiding!

I have a group of people that have been outstanding support - you know who you are. All my love to you. xoxoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

2/3rd's of the way

Yippee I am now two thirds of the way through treatment.

Healing from radiation took longer than expected. I had quite the radiation burn. It sounds funny but the inside of my breast (boob) is sore and tender.  The bounce is not good :).  I have started swimming, aquasize, which I love great for my hips and legs but some of the bouncing hurts even in the water.  I tried a new swim suit which is a sports suit and it's ok while it's dry but once we are wet :(

Everyone in radiation was just lovely.  I have meet some amazing people.  At your last radiation appointment you get to ring a bell. (popular ritual) any way I had gone to the appointment alone and wasn't going to bother but my radiation tech said, "oh yes we are, this is important and a way to release and move forward". So she came with me and I rang the bell, everyone in the waiting room cheered. She was right I am very grateful to her.

Surprisingly it is taking longer to heal from radiation than expected.  My scars are extremely tender and look a bit like road rash.

So some days I can actually forget I have cancer for a couple of minutes. But it always comes flooding back. Good days and bad I continue  to fight for me.

Processing still

I was at the cardiologist this week and the nurse was reviewing my cancer treatment and all she said was "Wow hardcore"  Ever had one of those moments when you realize this is worse than you think or planned.  I had that moment. 

But later that day I got an email from a friend and he reminded me that the work I had done with him was great training for what I am dealing, with and I think he was right.

A million years ago I ran the door at a night club, for over 10 years.  For me it was about respect, you couldn't buy your way in.  Respect me, Respect the space, and mostly Respect the other people around you.

I the real world what we want or ask for isn't what you always get, some people never learn respect.  We all know that asshole; who thinks he/she doesn't need play by the rule and doesn't respect anyone and sometimes not even themselves.


So I have decided my body is like the night club I will deal with it; with respect and love and need to be better. And the cancer is that asshole I need to kick out of the club.  Surgery bounced it out. Now I have to run around the club to make sure he/it doesn't seek back in.  We all know they will try, sometimes even threw the window.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Careful what you read or take in

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a co-worker, she had heard what I was dealing with.  She wanted to share her story and the story of a friend.  It was a long email with allot of info on how she felt and what I think she is still dealing with. I do hope she has a therapists to help with that.

I have found with cancer everyone heals with it differently and everyone takes in different info.  I need to be very careful with negative info I tend to absorb all the wrong stuff.  Part me is still dealing with what I have dealing with for years that I am not of value or Worthy of a good life.

So when I read her email and got freaked out.  She didn't have a good relationship with her oncologist and they had a discussion on it being her fault and it stuck me hard.  I thanked her for sharing her story and let her know if I had any questions I would contact her.

I new I couldn't engage in any further discussions with her at this time.  I felt bad but I knew it was not healthy for me.  To easy to slide backwards.

I believe I am a good person and for the most part the only person I have ever really hurt is me.  I have a difficult time making myself first.  With cancer I can't do that anymore me and my health needs to come first.  I am learning to push back and to take care of me.  Honest with me!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Moving forward

So my blood work came back great, so moving forward and another round of chemo in the morning.  Good news is it will be 4 hours instead of 5.5.  I think this is great news and with my meds fixed fingers crossed less vomiting.  SO cheers till next week.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME