Overwhelmed

It has been sometime since I wrote anything.  My guess is for a couple of reasons. I think every Cancer patient goes through a period where you are so tired of everything being about cancer subconsciously you park it away deep inside.  And you try to be “normal”

 Tried that and what happens the real world slaps you in the face and all of a sudden you get overwhelmed with reality.

When I was in treatment I met a lovely woman; we had the same oncologist and were on the same cycle. She also had breast cancer and she had lost one breast. At the time, I thought she was lucky because she only had 4 rounds of chemo and I don’t think she had to do radiation but I can’t remember.

In our conversation, we learned we had mutual friends and we were reminded how small the world is.  We stayed in contact and regularly chatted. And a couple of times met for dinner and face to face chats.  We got caught up on everything.  She was back at work much faster than I was.  Everything was going well everyone was healing and families were doing well.

Last month she texted me a little freaked out because she had new lump on her chest and was going for chest x-rays, and an MRI was set up but not for 4 more months.  She thanked me for letting her vent and I said she can vent anytime  she needed to.

I am sure you know where this is going;a couple of weeks ago I got the call NO ONE ever wants to get and, I needed to get to the hospital it’s not good.

Somehow everyone had missed that her cancer had taken over her whole body despite seeing oncology in November and got a clean bill of health. She has two young teenage kids who are going to lose their Mom, life is not anywhere near fair some days.

So, what do you do; well for me I cried at night alone so I wouldn’t upset her. Then I got her some nice PJs and a night gown so she didn’t have to wear yucky hospital gowns and do what any of us can do, that is, just be there. I am reminded Cancer is ever present in my life and to pretend it isn’t does me more harm than seeing it every day.

Yesterday very sadly she lost her fight and I am just at a loss for words and just so over whelmed by it.

I can’t hate cancer because we were friends because of cancer. We got to spend an incredibly difficult time together, which I think made us closer because of it.  She knew she could be and or say anything with me. 

I cannot fix the world, I cannot beat cancer, but I can take its power away and I can do my best to process it and deal with it and help others beat it, conquer it and one day cure it.

Rest in peace Kerri-Lynn you will be missed xoxoxo  

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME 

Heart and Soul

This past week has been eventful; I can’t thank people enough for all the wonderful birthday wishes and encouraging support for my Ride to Conquer Cancer. The messages encouragement and support were over whelmingly wonderful. 

Last week was a big week; first I was called back for more tests, I know gross. As a cancer survivor the risk of “it” returning is on your mind all the time. My last oncology appointment he said you can’t worry about that and walked away. Yah Thanks Not worrying about it, is not really an option.  

I went in for a routine x-ray for a different issue and lucky me it came back with issues and the radiologist won’t sign off on my x-rays and wants more tests done. Which is fine but I get the call from the doctor’s office we need to see you now. I ask if I can make appointment for next week they tell me no he wants to see you today. Ok fine, I go in and in my x-ray there is a problem and now they want a bone scan ASAP. Because I will never be cancer free everything looks suspect and everything is questioned, in hind sight is good I guess. Any way had all the tests done and now I wait. Trying not to worry (hahaha) 

Fortunately, this past weekend was the Ride to Conquer Cancer and there is no better way to spend time worrying about cancer returning than with a large group of people trying to beat cancer with you. 

This year we had 1402 riders. I swear every single one of them had words of encouragement for me. This is my community and I couldn’t be more proud of them. The volunteers are just wonderful, all their time and energy to help all of us be successful makes my heart sing. 

Then there is the Alberta Cancer Foundation; they are so amazing I can actually say I owe my life to them. I have a place so full of positive words and hugs it is just the best. The money we raise from the ride to goes help people like me in Alberta. They fund research here. So not only are they funding research here they are actually researching my type of cancer here which is pretty cool. Research is making huge strides every day. So the weekend was a huge success and Monday, I found out that the cancer has not spread. 

One very happy camper here! And yes I am signed up for next years ride, lucky #9


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

I was reminded this week that doctors have bad days too.

I had my oncology checkup and it went horribly sideways to the point I felt just destroyed.  I was so upset that when I got home I went to bed and just hid for the balance of the day and night.

I always schedule my GP appointments the following day to oncology.  My GP is amazing I explained what happened and how I felt destroyed (yes crying my eyes out). She went through everything with me, what he did and what he said.  While this didn’t change anything I still have cancer and I am still on meds every day and there is nothing that can be done, but  I don’t feel as destroyed as I did.  

The whole process reminded me that as I have bad days at work so can a doctor. It’s just that my bad days don’t impact anyone’s life. When an oncologist says there is nothing we can do to his patient; that is very different to when a cashier or teacher or financial analyst like me says it.

I know all too well what your oncologist says and how he/she says it has a huge impact on your day and on your survival. Don’t let one person’s day mess up  your day and or your life. Reach out, find the support you need. It can be anyone! For me and if you know me you know I have mentioned him before but my chiropractor is also an athletic therapist and works out of a gym, so the perfect combo for me; to put my frustration and anger into a positive channel. He has been with me during my whole cancer process even at the finish line of the Ride to Conquer Cancer.

Thank god I have such an amazing support team between my dear friends, GP and my Chiropractor I am alive and kicking.  Don’t get me wrong there are days like this past Wednesday when you think all is lost but let yourself find a way out, give yourself a pass and move forward.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

My First Winter with No Nipples

I do so enjoy having a blog, it is a great place to process “stuff” cancer can’t be all consuming if you let it.  

That being said it can also be strangely funny.  So that is where the title of today’s blog comes from “My First Winter with No Nipples” even just saying it to myself makes me smile.  Yes I know it is very serious subjects so please don’t be offended.

I find it odd that it is the nipple that makes showing breasts illegal and pornographic.  Pretty much everyone has nipples.  I would have thought it would have been the curve of the breast that was sensual. So in most of the modern world I can go topless without breaking any laws.

The next thing I find odd (now that I don’t have nipples) is the size of the industry to cover them up.  The modesty bra market is huge! So much money, time, and concern, to covering a nipple. Holy smoke again everyone has them!

I am very lucky, I have shape now (thank you to my surgeon) but couldn’t keep my nipples.  The risk of the cancer returning completely out weighted the need to keep them.  Yes I can have them tattooed if I want.  Right now I am leaning towards not doing that.

It is strangely liberating t to not worry about any of that; I can wear a t-shirt without hesitation or concern at how the world views my chest. I wear a bra when I want to – like when it’s pretty.  I do wear a sports bar when I workout for protection and sweat not for bounce or nipples.

I can walk in and out of the cold with no care or concern for the nipples affect :)

There aren’t many wins with breast cancer but celebrate this one with me “I have no nipples” wahooo xoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Banging my Head Against a Wall

So today was an incredible frustrating day.  

As some of you may know, I started my company and my goal is to help cancer survivors get some of there strength back.  

I know first hand how difficult that is, no one will let you try. We don't let people be less than and help them work on being more than. Silly me thought a place that has a cancer support system in place would help with that.  They are more concerned with covering there ass. Or maybe it's just protecting there ass, they don't want to see the forest for the trees.

I don't know maybe; I need to start my own foundation and not worry about the negative folks.  Either way I will continue in my goal to help cancer survivors like me get there strength back. Whether is it with walking poles or in a pool or even just conversation like this. Let me know what you think.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ugggghhh

Hi everyone I hope you are well.

It's been 4 months since surgery and healing well.  Scar tissue stays tender for a long time, busted open some stitches the other day and I still have thread coming out. I am very tired at the end of the day, OMG healing takes energy.

The only yucky part is I have a new lump one the upper part of my right chest, I know @*&^&*$*^&%&$^& are the words I used.

So this Friday I have blood work, meetings, and tests, fingers crossed it is not malignant.  My oncologist is also going to change my meds.  First we have to find out if I am strong enough to take them. I know crazy, you know I am strong enough. lol I will let you know how it goes.

Good news too, I got to attend a meeting at the Alberta Cancer Foundation, hopefully late in 2016 I can be a patient advocate.  Hopefully my experiences can help others, maybe even a little less stressful for them.

I did get my ribbon tattoo done, part 1, writing to be added later.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

A Great Event

Hi Everyone,

Two weeks ago I got to be part of an amazing event.  It was call BRA "Breast Reconstruction Awareness" I was a volunteer.  I know what your thinking and you said so. This was pretty cool, I volunteered in the "Show and Tell" room.  Yup show and tell, there was a group of about 20 women all survivors that had all kinds of reconstruction done and at different stages of completion. I was lucky enough to be the most recent. We were all given shawls to cover ourselves if we every felt uncomfortable.  

Before the doors opened to the guest each of us stood up and showed off what we had done. We were all different ages, sizes, and procedures. All of us a bit nervous, I have never sat in a room with 20 topless women before. But each of us one by one told are stories and it was absolutely amazing.  

We were put in small groups with info in front of us stating are names and what we had done. Then women could come into the room and find one of us to chat with about what they were dealing with and what they were thinking about getting done.  And yes every possible question came up.  It was so cool to be celebrated and be celebrating my shape and figure and mu sucess.  Because I was the most recent and the only one with scares like mine I was busy all evening and met an amazing group of women. By the end of the night I felt so beautiful for all the right reason it's hard to even put into words. The amazing celebration of life and the human body was just brilliant.  And yes I will do it again next year.

People ask me all the time why do I talk about Breast Cancer so much - well this event showed me that I am on the right track and we could all use an evening where we are seen as beautiful for all the right reasons.  Light, Laughter, and Knowledge is pretty cool.

As Always!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ok to be OK

Hi Everyone; I hope you are well.  

I am very happy to report that the infection is finally going down even I can tell now.  I am still trying to walk everyday some days better than others :)

I had a really good day yesterday and god knows why, but a really difficult night. The emotional roller coaster of cancer can be a challenge some days. 

People ask you all the time how you doing and you dare not answer the way you want too.  1. cause that doesn't help anyone including yourself and 2. they don't know you have been asked that by every single person you see the same question. They are just trying to show they care, it nice of them to ask.

So here it goes; I am not amazing, I am not fabulous, I am not awesome, I am also not bad, I am not that worried, what I am is OK. What does it means to be OK.  It means I am holding my own and most days keeping my head up and eyes looking forward and staying positive (very important to me). I still have dreams, wishes and wants, I dream of a day with no cancer.  I have made one major decision.  I takes courage to be OK. It's not a bad thing to be OK it's a peaceful thing. So today I say with pride and quite resolve I am OK.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

P.S. please leave me a comment so I know you are OK to :)

Moving Forward

Hi Everyone;

Very happy to report, all drainage tubes are out and the infection is slowly going away! 

I am very happy with the way I look and feel, yes I still have lots of healing to happen but everything is good. In two more weeks I can start physio.  It was/is a challenge to not lift anything more than 5 pounds.  In two weeks that is all done and I can start to push myself a bit more. 

I do walk every day and get lots of fresh air and last Thursday I sat on a spin bike for 30 minutes.  I was tired after but it felt great to be a bit more active. 

I have manged to show a couple of friends my new chest and everyone is impressed on how it looks, no not normal but my new normal.  For me it is strangely liberating not to have nipples. I know I have said that before but it is very true. I love my chest without nipples. Now my scares are different I haven't found any pictures that are like me and it may be that I had the double mastectomy with reconstruction at the same time. I have circles where my nipples would have been.  This may be why I am ok with everything I have something there, not just plain skin.  

So here is to my fab new chest!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Slowly

Hi 

Well healing is a little slower than expected.  It's over 5 weeks since surgery and I still have one drainage tube in, one of my abdomen tubes. I also have an infection in my left breast. So yes antibiotics.

I have been doing my exercises everyday and I can almost raise my hands above my head but still not allowed to lift anything over 5 pounds. OMG to my surprise everything is over 5 pounds. Part of this whole process I think is to teach me patience, yes yes I am a slow learner. :)

That being said I am still going some very cool things for example this coming Saturday; Alberta Health Services is partnering with the Public Library and the University of Calgary Oncology Dept on an event calling "Living Books" There will be 18 people who will talk about there cancer journey, some are survivors, some are doctors, some are researchers, some are family.  They tell there story and you can chat with them and/or ask questions.  Each person is an unique book. I am lucky enough to be going to the event and have a videographer follow me around to see all the different parts of the event and be kind of be a roving reporter.  I also might be a Living Book by the end of the day.

If you are in the area it's 10:30 to 1:00 pm  this Saturday  at the main public library across from city hall hope to see you there!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

New and Happy

Hi Everyone;

As you know 3 weeks ago I had a double mastectomy and reconstruction.  I choose not to have implants. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of having something foreign in my body, ok for some just not for me. They took my tummy fat and skin and rebuilt me.  It was a tissue transplant that took 12.5 hours. I know that's a long time to be on the table, but I did great.

So with that process I also lost my nipples.  And I am totally ok with that.  I love my new boobs, don't get me wrong I still have drainage tubes in and huge swelling but I already love them.  

When they took my nipples that area had to be replaced with skin from my tummy, but in a strange turn of events you see with my tummy skin you can see stretch marks they got moved too.  I think it is the most amazing thing because it says to me, this is still me and so me I love them.  I didn't want to look artificial after everything was finished and I don't it's still all me.  Strangely validating! With the tissue transplant all the extra stuff left over went in the trash, so I now have a very flat tummy, also very swollen with drainage tubes.

My amazing new boobs and flat tummy are a gift that I treasure and thank god for the most amazing surgical team in the world.  

Maybe once all the swelling goes down and the tubes are out I will post a picture, we aren't that brave yet :)


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

How Do You Do That

Hi Everyone 

As you know I lost half of my right breast to Cancer 3 years ago.  Well tomorrow I will lose the rest of my breast tissue both side.  By the end of tomorrow I will have had a double mastectomy and reconstruction.  While this is reconstruction, I will have shape - no implants - using my own body tissue to recreate shape.  What I do have to do is to say good bye to my nipples.  Yes that's what I said.  

Yes it sounds a like silly but I m trying to honour myself and at the same recognize my body will never be the same.  

So many people have said well at least it's not a vital part of your body, I usually ask them if they would mind giving up the testicles.  Yup they are quite after that.  I know it is not a vital part and for the most part I am just fine with everything and this is a step forward, and fingers crossed next week I am cancer free and healing just fine. 

I will take a shower before the hospital and soap them up for the last time.  So when you take your shower tomorrow do me a favour - honour yourself and checking yourself.  Then hopefully you will never have to say good bye to your nipples. Take care, and I will update you when I get home in a week or so.

Todays question "How would you say good bye to your nipples?"


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Next Steps are Good

Hi Everyone 

So I have completed the next step I have met my surgical team it's actually three teams and surgery is about 12 hours.  I know holy ssss.

My surgery is on August 11, 3 years and two days short of when I was first diagnoses.  Can you believe it I have been dealing with Breast Cancer for three years now.  My god the time did fly by.

In the last couple of weeks to get ready for surgery I think I have had everything tested, poked, x-ray, or scanned. And the nice thing is that absolutely everyone has been just lovely.  Don't get me wrong there are some serious missings in the Health Care system but the people are amazing and they are doing there best with what they have to work with.  I wonder everything a politician cuts services do they see there own families not getting the help they need.  The Prime Minister and past Premier are from Calgary and I wonder how fast the new Cancer center might have been started if they couldn't travel and there wives needed treatment.  Things that make you go hmmmmmm.

Anyway enough about that, all the stress that goes with getting ready for the hospital certainly puts everything in perspective at work.  I can't fix everything and I can't get people to care about what I care about so letting it go.  That is very difficult for me I care about what I do and take ownership of my responsibilities and duties.  But when a hospital asks you what my plan is if everything doesn't go well in surgery and they want a copy of my living will. Yup everything went in respective order in a second.

I have also had some amazing things happen; I am part of the Alberta Cancer Foundation Cash and Cars lottery.  I got to be in the brochure and in the T.V, commercial.  And next week I also get to me in a video.

But most of all I am hugely thankful for my support team. My family first of course they have too :) After family there are the people that choose to be there.  People like Danielle and Ashley and all the people I consider family xoxoxox

Last then there is Adam Bornstein and Mike Caione, there by the grace of god they came into my life and turned me into something more than a survivor, now I really am a survivor and a achiever of the very best. My goal in life is to help people in the same way they helped me.  To believe in yourself is truly amazing gift you can give yourself.

Well that's enough for today, big week next week chat later xoxox


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Taken by Surprise

Hi everyone not sure why but Cancer still takes me by surprise.  

I got to meet my surgeon yesterday it has taken 18 months to get in (I KNOW) but that's not for today.  

We reviewed my file and all the oncology notes and such.  To my surprise when he said I have to have a double mastectomy (well 1.5 mastectomy) To hear the surgeon say it shock me to my core. I knew this was coming but I don't think you can really prepare yourself to hear that out loud.  

It is an all day surgery and I don't have the date yet; but here is the plan. 
One team remove what I have left and then a second team will reconstruct my chest. I will get leg compression set up before I go into surgery to reduce blood clots (that's cool just like a pro cyclist) I am going a little bit smaller so apparently a littler easier to do.  I am not having implants put in.  Not that there is anything wrong with that but I don't want any stuff in my chest.  If this was just a breast enhancement sure but this is cancer.  So because no implants we are going to use my own tissue to rebuild, yes you got it my tummy will be my chest.  I am looking forward to seeing how that pans out.  He told me it is where the tissue comes from will hurt the most and I will have scares. I laughed scares are no problem they are my badges of survival I am very proud of them.

My nipples are a two part process of some fancy needlepoint done by the surgeon and then once all heeled some tattooing. Yup a bionic chest.

I am still keeping my head up and positive.  I will keep you posted on when but for now.  I will continue to get as strong as possible.  I will be more than cancer and more than this event. 

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Why Me

I wrote this last week I was trying to get accepted to an Amercian course on being a Cancer Advocate.  I didn't get selected but I am not quitting.  Tomorrow I see the surgeon for the next step to try and beat cancer at it's own game.

This is my note on why me...

I have just launched my own company "I Will Fight For Me" (while still working full-time as Compliance & Control Analyst) I have breast cancer and deeply involved in trying to help other cancer survivors get stronger.  I want to be a better stronger advocate.  I have been lucky enough to be a spokesperson for the Alberta Cancer Foundation and the ride to conquer cancer.  To create awareness and to build funds to go toward research.  I want to do more and I there is a huge gap I can help fill.

  

Breast Cancer is a very emotional issue and I think if I knew more about the science will be a better advocate.  To be able to speak to and about the science of breast cancer would increase our audience.  To be a strong advocate you need emotion and science working together to create a better voice. I need to be able to understand more to be able to speak to more.

I have been fighting breast cancer for 3 years and know first-hand how much we still need to understand to then be-able to treat and then prevent and cure.  I have been though surgery (still waiting for more) chemo, radiation, and still on meds for 5 more years. I believe in talking about what scares us. When you bring things into the light and talk they become less scary and now you can see what still needs to be done. We need to reduce fear and increase education awareness and research.  I believe I have a strong voice and can speak to what really happens.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

On the Cover

This past week has been crazy busy and just strange...

Last week I had my oncology appointment and I always get nevous god knows why.  I still don't get to say I am cancer free (grrrrr) and I had to have a bone scan and xrays done. Still waiting on the results.  But on the same day the summer issue of LEAP magazine came out, it is a Cancer Magazine here in Alberta. It ain't the cover of the Rolling Stone but it is to me.  Here is the link  http://myleapmagazine.ca/2015/06/summer-2015/

I am working towards being a cancer advocate, I must do my best to help anyone with cancer.  Far to many people and families are being affected by cancer and we can all do more. 


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Great Quote by George Bernard Shaw

Here is a great quote my friend Peter Smith sent me

“This is the true joy in life — being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one… being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.

Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

New Battle Cry

So I have decided my mantra or battle cry which ever you prefer is "I Will"

I am also in the process of building a new web page - stand by in the coming weeks.

Ready

I Will
- move forward
-be more than a cancer survivor
-be strong
-more than I am today


Let me know what you will be.....


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

I got the email I wanted

I got the email address I wanted iwillfight4me@gmail.com very exciting.  I started the company which is very exciting for me!

Feeding my soul with my dream of putting cancer survivors in the pool. The stronger we are the better we can deal with treatment.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Happy Spring everyone!

My new goal I told you about last time is coming along. The goal is still to help cancer survivors and patients get stronger.  I believe if you feel strong it is easier to deal with treatment and the after affects. I understand all to well the after affects hang around a long time.  I am happy to report I have passed my exams to be an Aqua Fit instructor.  Yes high five for sure :) Classes to start soon.

I have added to my goal too, because not everyone likes the water or they are not strong enough yet. So I have added Urban Walking poles (Nordic walking) to the list and I also passed my certification for it. Urban poling is great for Breast Cancer survivors and Lymphadema suffers.  You can go at your own speed and get huge benefits out of it.  That could be as simple as just a slow walk in the sun. THAT can/is a powerful moment and every little bit helps in getting stronger.  Then for fun I have added Nutritional Therapist to my list.  

I think I want to call my company the same as my blog I WILL FIGHT FOR ME. Let me know what you think. My medical team is on board and fingers crossed I will be accepting clients shortly. 

Love moving forward!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME