Surprisingly it is taking longer to heal from radiation than expected.  My scars are extremely tender and look a bit like road rash.

So some days I can actually forget I have cancer for a couple of minutes. But it always comes flooding back. Good days and bad I continue  to fight for me.

Processing still

I was at the cardiologist this week and the nurse was reviewing my cancer treatment and all she said was "Wow hardcore"  Ever had one of those moments when you realize this is worse than you think or planned.  I had that moment. 

But later that day I got an email from a friend and he reminded me that the work I had done with him was great training for what I am dealing, with and I think he was right.

A million years ago I ran the door at a night club, for over 10 years.  For me it was about respect, you couldn't buy your way in.  Respect me, Respect the space, and mostly Respect the other people around you.

I the real world what we want or ask for isn't what you always get, some people never learn respect.  We all know that asshole; who thinks he/she doesn't need play by the rule and doesn't respect anyone and sometimes not even themselves.


So I have decided my body is like the night club I will deal with it; with respect and love and need to be better. And the cancer is that asshole I need to kick out of the club.  Surgery bounced it out. Now I have to run around the club to make sure he/it doesn't seek back in.  We all know they will try, sometimes even threw the window.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Careful what you read or take in

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a co-worker, she had heard what I was dealing with.  She wanted to share her story and the story of a friend.  It was a long email with allot of info on how she felt and what I think she is still dealing with. I do hope she has a therapists to help with that.

I have found with cancer everyone heals with it differently and everyone takes in different info.  I need to be very careful with negative info I tend to absorb all the wrong stuff.  Part me is still dealing with what I have dealing with for years that I am not of value or Worthy of a good life.

So when I read her email and got freaked out.  She didn't have a good relationship with her oncologist and they had a discussion on it being her fault and it stuck me hard.  I thanked her for sharing her story and let her know if I had any questions I would contact her.

I new I couldn't engage in any further discussions with her at this time.  I felt bad but I knew it was not healthy for me.  To easy to slide backwards.

I believe I am a good person and for the most part the only person I have ever really hurt is me.  I have a difficult time making myself first.  With cancer I can't do that anymore me and my health needs to come first.  I am learning to push back and to take care of me.  Honest with me!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Moving forward

So my blood work came back great, so moving forward and another round of chemo in the morning.  Good news is it will be 4 hours instead of 5.5.  I think this is great news and with my meds fixed fingers crossed less vomiting.  SO cheers till next week.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Chemo again

This Friday, I have chemo again; in a strange way getting accustom to it.  It is a part of my life now, it is something I must do to keep moving forward.

Blood work tomorrow and then treatment to rock on Friday!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

More good things about chemo

Funny, I never would have thought chemo would teach me so much about myself.  In myself and what I accept for me. 

As you know I have been working on getting to a healthier place with myself.  Mostly on my bike and the gym at work,  but diet really.  With the changes In my body with regards to taste I no longer hide in food.  It no longer has that feel of satisfaction; some food make me actually sick, some have a chemical reaction that makes them taste rude.  NO MORE endorphins :(

Whole real food tastes good or has no flavour just texture.  As a result, chemo has moved me along the self food awareness road.  It may have taken years to get to where I am now.  I now see how much food I was really eating the amount and the size.

I am now eating so healthy we laugh at dinner at what I could justify before.  I would never wish chemo on any one but it sure moved me to a new better place.