It has been sometime since I wrote anything. My guess is for a couple of reasons. I think every Cancer patient goes through a period where you are so tired of everything being about cancer subconsciously you park it away deep inside. And you try to be “normal”
Tried that and what happens the real world slaps you in the face and all of a sudden you get overwhelmed with reality.
When I was in treatment I met a lovely woman; we had the same oncologist and were on the same cycle. She also had breast cancer and she had lost one breast. At the time, I thought she was lucky because she only had 4 rounds of chemo and I don’t think she had to do radiation but I can’t remember.
In our conversation, we learned we had mutual friends and we were reminded how small the world is. We stayed in contact and regularly chatted. And a couple of times met for dinner and face to face chats. We got caught up on everything. She was back at work much faster than I was. Everything was going well everyone was healing and families were doing well.
Last month she texted me a little freaked out because she had new lump on her chest and was going for chest x-rays, and an MRI was set up but not for 4 more months. She thanked me for letting her vent and I said she can vent anytime she needed to.
I am sure you know where this is going;a couple of weeks ago I got the call NO ONE ever wants to get and, I needed to get to the hospital it’s not good.
Somehow everyone had missed that her cancer had taken over her whole body despite seeing oncology in November and got a clean bill of health. She has two young teenage kids who are going to lose their Mom, life is not anywhere near fair some days.
So, what do you do; well for me I cried at night alone so I wouldn’t upset her. Then I got her some nice PJs and a night gown so she didn’t have to wear yucky hospital gowns and do what any of us can do, that is, just be there. I am reminded Cancer is ever present in my life and to pretend it isn’t does me more harm than seeing it every day.
Yesterday very sadly she lost her fight and I am just at a loss for words and just so over whelmed by it.
I can’t hate cancer because we were friends because of cancer. We got to spend an incredibly difficult time together, which I think made us closer because of it. She knew she could be and or say anything with me.
I cannot fix the world, I cannot beat cancer, but I can take its power away and I can do my best to process it and deal with it and help others beat it, conquer it and one day cure it.
Rest in peace Kerri-Lynn you will be missed xoxoxo