Well I haven't written in a while, partly not sure what to write about and partly I was trying to leave cancer behind.
If you are a survivor you know you can't do that. Cancer was and is a part of who I am, but not just who I am. To ignore it or pretend it didn't happen gives it far to much power.
All survivors watch themselves with a strange almost obsessive concern over every change, dump, lump, or growth. And I am no different. Two months ago we (me and my doctor) found a new lump just on the right of my knee. Normally won't have given a second glance. But because my lymph nodes are a concern (already removed from my armpit) and if you didn't know we have allot of lymph nodes behind our knees. Yes, so went for ultra sound and x-ray, and it was confirmed new tumor/growth but still didn't know what it was. So I waited for an MRI which I had last week.
As I wait, every possible worst case goes though my head. The worst case it is metastatic cancer and I might lose my leg. I spent most of my energy trying to stay in the moment and positive. It was a very emotional time for me and very draining. Did silly things like I stopped making plans. Yes silly cause no matter what you must keep moving forward. So before the doctor appointments, where I was going to get my test results. I went to the gym and with the help of Mike of Back and Body Health and Crash Conditioning did a massive workout. I decided to drive out all the negative energy as much as possible, because no matter what I was ready for a fight. I get rattled and pushed around for a while and then I get my back up and dig in my heels. I was so stiff and sore a couple of hours after but didn't care it actually made me smile.
Yes I got my results and there by the grace of God is it not metastatic cancer still a growth. I will find out next month if we should take it out or leave it where it is. But the big news NOT Cancer. Very cool to read a report the says no evidence of metastases. Both me and my doctor were and are very happy. She still had me see the shrink after, my doctor is a very smart amazing person.
So I move forward and continue to fight for me. Everyday my goal is to be better than I was yesterday. With the support of some very amazing people I already know today I am better than I was yesterday.
That support group is the biggest part of me and my success. Everyday I thank God for them. I would not be here with out them.
Only advice I can give, is to surround yourselves with people who believe in you and let the rest go. To be successful or to survive you will eventually. Yes a difficult and some of the scariest stuff I have done but there is no shame and believing in yourself.
I WILL FIGHT FOR ME.
