Ugggghhh

Hi everyone I hope you are well.

It's been 4 months since surgery and healing well.  Scar tissue stays tender for a long time, busted open some stitches the other day and I still have thread coming out. I am very tired at the end of the day, OMG healing takes energy.

The only yucky part is I have a new lump one the upper part of my right chest, I know @*&^&*$*^&%&$^& are the words I used.

So this Friday I have blood work, meetings, and tests, fingers crossed it is not malignant.  My oncologist is also going to change my meds.  First we have to find out if I am strong enough to take them. I know crazy, you know I am strong enough. lol I will let you know how it goes.

Good news too, I got to attend a meeting at the Alberta Cancer Foundation, hopefully late in 2016 I can be a patient advocate.  Hopefully my experiences can help others, maybe even a little less stressful for them.

I did get my ribbon tattoo done, part 1, writing to be added later.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

A Great Event

Hi Everyone,

Two weeks ago I got to be part of an amazing event.  It was call BRA "Breast Reconstruction Awareness" I was a volunteer.  I know what your thinking and you said so. This was pretty cool, I volunteered in the "Show and Tell" room.  Yup show and tell, there was a group of about 20 women all survivors that had all kinds of reconstruction done and at different stages of completion. I was lucky enough to be the most recent. We were all given shawls to cover ourselves if we every felt uncomfortable.  

Before the doors opened to the guest each of us stood up and showed off what we had done. We were all different ages, sizes, and procedures. All of us a bit nervous, I have never sat in a room with 20 topless women before. But each of us one by one told are stories and it was absolutely amazing.  

We were put in small groups with info in front of us stating are names and what we had done. Then women could come into the room and find one of us to chat with about what they were dealing with and what they were thinking about getting done.  And yes every possible question came up.  It was so cool to be celebrated and be celebrating my shape and figure and mu sucess.  Because I was the most recent and the only one with scares like mine I was busy all evening and met an amazing group of women. By the end of the night I felt so beautiful for all the right reason it's hard to even put into words. The amazing celebration of life and the human body was just brilliant.  And yes I will do it again next year.

People ask me all the time why do I talk about Breast Cancer so much - well this event showed me that I am on the right track and we could all use an evening where we are seen as beautiful for all the right reasons.  Light, Laughter, and Knowledge is pretty cool.

As Always!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ok to be OK

Hi Everyone; I hope you are well.  

I am very happy to report that the infection is finally going down even I can tell now.  I am still trying to walk everyday some days better than others :)

I had a really good day yesterday and god knows why, but a really difficult night. The emotional roller coaster of cancer can be a challenge some days. 

People ask you all the time how you doing and you dare not answer the way you want too.  1. cause that doesn't help anyone including yourself and 2. they don't know you have been asked that by every single person you see the same question. They are just trying to show they care, it nice of them to ask.

So here it goes; I am not amazing, I am not fabulous, I am not awesome, I am also not bad, I am not that worried, what I am is OK. What does it means to be OK.  It means I am holding my own and most days keeping my head up and eyes looking forward and staying positive (very important to me). I still have dreams, wishes and wants, I dream of a day with no cancer.  I have made one major decision.  I takes courage to be OK. It's not a bad thing to be OK it's a peaceful thing. So today I say with pride and quite resolve I am OK.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

P.S. please leave me a comment so I know you are OK to :)

Moving Forward

Hi Everyone;

Very happy to report, all drainage tubes are out and the infection is slowly going away! 

I am very happy with the way I look and feel, yes I still have lots of healing to happen but everything is good. In two more weeks I can start physio.  It was/is a challenge to not lift anything more than 5 pounds.  In two weeks that is all done and I can start to push myself a bit more. 

I do walk every day and get lots of fresh air and last Thursday I sat on a spin bike for 30 minutes.  I was tired after but it felt great to be a bit more active. 

I have manged to show a couple of friends my new chest and everyone is impressed on how it looks, no not normal but my new normal.  For me it is strangely liberating not to have nipples. I know I have said that before but it is very true. I love my chest without nipples. Now my scares are different I haven't found any pictures that are like me and it may be that I had the double mastectomy with reconstruction at the same time. I have circles where my nipples would have been.  This may be why I am ok with everything I have something there, not just plain skin.  

So here is to my fab new chest!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Slowly

Hi 

Well healing is a little slower than expected.  It's over 5 weeks since surgery and I still have one drainage tube in, one of my abdomen tubes. I also have an infection in my left breast. So yes antibiotics.

I have been doing my exercises everyday and I can almost raise my hands above my head but still not allowed to lift anything over 5 pounds. OMG to my surprise everything is over 5 pounds. Part of this whole process I think is to teach me patience, yes yes I am a slow learner. :)

That being said I am still going some very cool things for example this coming Saturday; Alberta Health Services is partnering with the Public Library and the University of Calgary Oncology Dept on an event calling "Living Books" There will be 18 people who will talk about there cancer journey, some are survivors, some are doctors, some are researchers, some are family.  They tell there story and you can chat with them and/or ask questions.  Each person is an unique book. I am lucky enough to be going to the event and have a videographer follow me around to see all the different parts of the event and be kind of be a roving reporter.  I also might be a Living Book by the end of the day.

If you are in the area it's 10:30 to 1:00 pm  this Saturday  at the main public library across from city hall hope to see you there!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

New and Happy

Hi Everyone;

As you know 3 weeks ago I had a double mastectomy and reconstruction.  I choose not to have implants. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of having something foreign in my body, ok for some just not for me. They took my tummy fat and skin and rebuilt me.  It was a tissue transplant that took 12.5 hours. I know that's a long time to be on the table, but I did great.

So with that process I also lost my nipples.  And I am totally ok with that.  I love my new boobs, don't get me wrong I still have drainage tubes in and huge swelling but I already love them.  

When they took my nipples that area had to be replaced with skin from my tummy, but in a strange turn of events you see with my tummy skin you can see stretch marks they got moved too.  I think it is the most amazing thing because it says to me, this is still me and so me I love them.  I didn't want to look artificial after everything was finished and I don't it's still all me.  Strangely validating! With the tissue transplant all the extra stuff left over went in the trash, so I now have a very flat tummy, also very swollen with drainage tubes.

My amazing new boobs and flat tummy are a gift that I treasure and thank god for the most amazing surgical team in the world.  

Maybe once all the swelling goes down and the tubes are out I will post a picture, we aren't that brave yet :)


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

How Do You Do That

Hi Everyone 

As you know I lost half of my right breast to Cancer 3 years ago.  Well tomorrow I will lose the rest of my breast tissue both side.  By the end of tomorrow I will have had a double mastectomy and reconstruction.  While this is reconstruction, I will have shape - no implants - using my own body tissue to recreate shape.  What I do have to do is to say good bye to my nipples.  Yes that's what I said.  

Yes it sounds a like silly but I m trying to honour myself and at the same recognize my body will never be the same.  

So many people have said well at least it's not a vital part of your body, I usually ask them if they would mind giving up the testicles.  Yup they are quite after that.  I know it is not a vital part and for the most part I am just fine with everything and this is a step forward, and fingers crossed next week I am cancer free and healing just fine. 

I will take a shower before the hospital and soap them up for the last time.  So when you take your shower tomorrow do me a favour - honour yourself and checking yourself.  Then hopefully you will never have to say good bye to your nipples. Take care, and I will update you when I get home in a week or so.

Todays question "How would you say good bye to your nipples?"


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Next Steps are Good

Hi Everyone 

So I have completed the next step I have met my surgical team it's actually three teams and surgery is about 12 hours.  I know holy ssss.

My surgery is on August 11, 3 years and two days short of when I was first diagnoses.  Can you believe it I have been dealing with Breast Cancer for three years now.  My god the time did fly by.

In the last couple of weeks to get ready for surgery I think I have had everything tested, poked, x-ray, or scanned. And the nice thing is that absolutely everyone has been just lovely.  Don't get me wrong there are some serious missings in the Health Care system but the people are amazing and they are doing there best with what they have to work with.  I wonder everything a politician cuts services do they see there own families not getting the help they need.  The Prime Minister and past Premier are from Calgary and I wonder how fast the new Cancer center might have been started if they couldn't travel and there wives needed treatment.  Things that make you go hmmmmmm.

Anyway enough about that, all the stress that goes with getting ready for the hospital certainly puts everything in perspective at work.  I can't fix everything and I can't get people to care about what I care about so letting it go.  That is very difficult for me I care about what I do and take ownership of my responsibilities and duties.  But when a hospital asks you what my plan is if everything doesn't go well in surgery and they want a copy of my living will. Yup everything went in respective order in a second.

I have also had some amazing things happen; I am part of the Alberta Cancer Foundation Cash and Cars lottery.  I got to be in the brochure and in the T.V, commercial.  And next week I also get to me in a video.

But most of all I am hugely thankful for my support team. My family first of course they have too :) After family there are the people that choose to be there.  People like Danielle and Ashley and all the people I consider family xoxoxox

Last then there is Adam Bornstein and Mike Caione, there by the grace of god they came into my life and turned me into something more than a survivor, now I really am a survivor and a achiever of the very best. My goal in life is to help people in the same way they helped me.  To believe in yourself is truly amazing gift you can give yourself.

Well that's enough for today, big week next week chat later xoxox


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Taken by Surprise

Hi everyone not sure why but Cancer still takes me by surprise.  

I got to meet my surgeon yesterday it has taken 18 months to get in (I KNOW) but that's not for today.  

We reviewed my file and all the oncology notes and such.  To my surprise when he said I have to have a double mastectomy (well 1.5 mastectomy) To hear the surgeon say it shock me to my core. I knew this was coming but I don't think you can really prepare yourself to hear that out loud.  

It is an all day surgery and I don't have the date yet; but here is the plan. 
One team remove what I have left and then a second team will reconstruct my chest. I will get leg compression set up before I go into surgery to reduce blood clots (that's cool just like a pro cyclist) I am going a little bit smaller so apparently a littler easier to do.  I am not having implants put in.  Not that there is anything wrong with that but I don't want any stuff in my chest.  If this was just a breast enhancement sure but this is cancer.  So because no implants we are going to use my own tissue to rebuild, yes you got it my tummy will be my chest.  I am looking forward to seeing how that pans out.  He told me it is where the tissue comes from will hurt the most and I will have scares. I laughed scares are no problem they are my badges of survival I am very proud of them.

My nipples are a two part process of some fancy needlepoint done by the surgeon and then once all heeled some tattooing. Yup a bionic chest.

I am still keeping my head up and positive.  I will keep you posted on when but for now.  I will continue to get as strong as possible.  I will be more than cancer and more than this event. 

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Why Me

I wrote this last week I was trying to get accepted to an Amercian course on being a Cancer Advocate.  I didn't get selected but I am not quitting.  Tomorrow I see the surgeon for the next step to try and beat cancer at it's own game.

This is my note on why me...

I have just launched my own company "I Will Fight For Me" (while still working full-time as Compliance & Control Analyst) I have breast cancer and deeply involved in trying to help other cancer survivors get stronger.  I want to be a better stronger advocate.  I have been lucky enough to be a spokesperson for the Alberta Cancer Foundation and the ride to conquer cancer.  To create awareness and to build funds to go toward research.  I want to do more and I there is a huge gap I can help fill.

  

Breast Cancer is a very emotional issue and I think if I knew more about the science will be a better advocate.  To be able to speak to and about the science of breast cancer would increase our audience.  To be a strong advocate you need emotion and science working together to create a better voice. I need to be able to understand more to be able to speak to more.

I have been fighting breast cancer for 3 years and know first-hand how much we still need to understand to then be-able to treat and then prevent and cure.  I have been though surgery (still waiting for more) chemo, radiation, and still on meds for 5 more years. I believe in talking about what scares us. When you bring things into the light and talk they become less scary and now you can see what still needs to be done. We need to reduce fear and increase education awareness and research.  I believe I have a strong voice and can speak to what really happens.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

On the Cover

This past week has been crazy busy and just strange...

Last week I had my oncology appointment and I always get nevous god knows why.  I still don't get to say I am cancer free (grrrrr) and I had to have a bone scan and xrays done. Still waiting on the results.  But on the same day the summer issue of LEAP magazine came out, it is a Cancer Magazine here in Alberta. It ain't the cover of the Rolling Stone but it is to me.  Here is the link  http://myleapmagazine.ca/2015/06/summer-2015/

I am working towards being a cancer advocate, I must do my best to help anyone with cancer.  Far to many people and families are being affected by cancer and we can all do more. 


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Great Quote by George Bernard Shaw

Here is a great quote my friend Peter Smith sent me

“This is the true joy in life — being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one… being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.

Life is no ‘brief candle’ to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

New Battle Cry

So I have decided my mantra or battle cry which ever you prefer is "I Will"

I am also in the process of building a new web page - stand by in the coming weeks.

Ready

I Will
- move forward
-be more than a cancer survivor
-be strong
-more than I am today


Let me know what you will be.....


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

I got the email I wanted

I got the email address I wanted iwillfight4me@gmail.com very exciting.  I started the company which is very exciting for me!

Feeding my soul with my dream of putting cancer survivors in the pool. The stronger we are the better we can deal with treatment.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Happy Spring everyone!

My new goal I told you about last time is coming along. The goal is still to help cancer survivors and patients get stronger.  I believe if you feel strong it is easier to deal with treatment and the after affects. I understand all to well the after affects hang around a long time.  I am happy to report I have passed my exams to be an Aqua Fit instructor.  Yes high five for sure :) Classes to start soon.

I have added to my goal too, because not everyone likes the water or they are not strong enough yet. So I have added Urban Walking poles (Nordic walking) to the list and I also passed my certification for it. Urban poling is great for Breast Cancer survivors and Lymphadema suffers.  You can go at your own speed and get huge benefits out of it.  That could be as simple as just a slow walk in the sun. THAT can/is a powerful moment and every little bit helps in getting stronger.  Then for fun I have added Nutritional Therapist to my list.  

I think I want to call my company the same as my blog I WILL FIGHT FOR ME. Let me know what you think. My medical team is on board and fingers crossed I will be accepting clients shortly. 

Love moving forward!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

What's Next

Last year as I finished chemo treatment one of the strangest feelings is; you just finished and you are standing in the parking lot and thinking now what.  

You are not cancer free what do you do next? Know one really knows at this point,  I found it ever strange a kind of limbo.  You are weak and your brain is sort of scrambled by chemicals "what do you do".

Well I knew I wanted to get stronger, I had tried to do that during treatment and totally did it before surgery but now I had to start over.  I know I have mentioned this before but couldn't find many places willing to accept me, so I have decided to try and fix that.

I have started on a new goal, I want to put cancer survivors in the pool as a means to get stronger.  What does that mean; well I have spent the last couple of months in several courses in which I am becoming a certified AquaFit instructor with a special focus on survivors.  All my instructors have been super supportive and my medical team are a 100% on board too. They are even going to refer patients - how cool is that.

Next week is the big exam weekend and practical testing.  While I still wait on more surgery I WILL not put my life on hold and I WILL not let cancer win.

So wish me luck next weekend and fingers crossed I will have classes set up by summer for new survivors to get stronger! 

Yes I will keep you posted MUCH LOVE to you all.xoxoxo

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Great Way to End the Year

2014 I had the honour of speaking on behalf of the Alberta Cancer Foundation.  As a cancer survivor and a rider in the "Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer" and had several opportunities to speak.   This was amazing.

Here is the video clip from the last event, last week of the year and the best way to end the year. 

http://globalnews.ca/video/1747650/cancer-patient-shares-experience-of-being-sick-in-alberta

A very special thanks for the Alberta Cancer Foundation for giving me this - it is truly amazing to be 1 of the voices with cancer.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME