2012 done

BYE BYE 2012 on words we move forward and I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Good Things about Chemo

Whole foods only processed just doesn't work

you see food in a new way


I lost 8 pounds with each treatment and I needed too

Chemo and it's cycle path

We all know chemo is hard but for it to truly work you kind of have to embrace it.  It you spend your whole treatment scared and worried and it will be very much harder on you.  So after a really good conversation with my doctor after the second round of chemo here is my plan going forward.

Because I ride my bike allot and miss it, chemo is my "bike ride"

So what does that really mean... well day one for chemo "infusion day"  your body gets loaded with all the chemicals for the ride.  So day one you get loaded up!   Then you go home and start the drive of your life.  Day one is like getting on the bike and riding all day your tired, just done and need to sleep.  Day two you are still tired but you have to ride small hills and some hard ones.  Day three and four are mountain days you will ride hard you will throw-up hard.  Your body hurts (everything hurts) Think of yourself as on the ride if you win you really win.  SO you peddle your ass off and puck at  the top of the mountain.  You can puke for hours (this isn't food puking this is chemicals puking from the bottom of your body and all the way up.  But then at the end of Day 4 you have a bath the kind you add more hot water half way thru cause at this very point and moment nothing hurts and all is quite, and you want it to last as long as possible.  I refilled the bath twice it was the best place on earth at that momment :)  Day Five slept well and was able to get my breathfast smoothie down.  Had to have a bit of a conversation with it to stay but it did.  But still biking today small rollers so waves of good and bad, but moving forward.  By the end of the week my bike ride will be done so we reat up and get ready for the next one.  With only three weeeks between treatments it really is like training for an event.

Quite Irony

So my whole life I have struggled with body image and weight.  While I started my journey to a healthier fitter life a little while ago.  It's not like you turn on a light and oh ya I get it and then your the perfect health and weight.  It's a slow process and lucky me gets to do it and fight cancer to.  But it is something that has become probably the most important.  You can't fight cancer unless you put yourself and your health first. 

When I found out about the cancer my trainer "Adam" said it was time to working harder and get stronger.  He was right!  I worked out harder made better food decisions before the surgery and my surgeon was very happy with the results.  But the road I was to travel is no where near finished.  My pathology came back and yup next step was chemo and hard core chemo I tested positive for everything.  Again lucky me!

Yes Chemo bad but not the end.  Chemo will be how I survive the cancer but how well is up to me.  NO it's not easy and NO it's not something I would ever wish on anyone.

AS a result I decided to create a list "Good things about Chemo"  I know I must face all the challenges of this journey with my best foot and it's the positive foot, sound funny I know.

The first item on my list and maybe the best one.  If there is ever a moment in your life when most people would give you free pass on food it is when you tell people you have cancer.  Next thing that happens they want to take you for a meal and try and comfort you. Yes I know nice.   So now for the first time in my life I can can have anything I want to eat, and guess what, chemo makes everything taste gross.  So your know that light and process I am working on, well it just got brighter.  My heath and weight it's not about the food it's never been about the food.  It's about my interpretation of the food.

Quite Irony, number one on the list.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Letter to my Trainer

 

Hi Adam just wanted to share a funny story form dinner today.

We had roast beef and roast potatoes and veggies.

My plate has 2 quarters of potatoes and one slice of beef with 1/2 an apple with 5 grapes. My dad asked what the hell is that (in a nice way) I it's my dinner, he laughed she you (meaning me) in the past would have eaten more in just taste testing dinner, and we laughed cause it is true. I would eat so much while making dinner and would never really know what I had done.

SO I have a new project - I am going to start a list "Good Things About Chemo" today was item number two. - one being whole founds only processed not an option. I have decide you make you my Ying to the chemo being Yang. If I hadn't started with you I don't think I would have made it this far - I certainly won't be making choices that I am proud of and even proud of me. I am starting to really see me :)

First Treatment Done & Dusted

Today was my first chemo treatment and to my surprise so far so good.  I didn't have an allergic reaction to the meds to so super happy.  Everyone was just lovely and love going Friday's kinda quite in the Cancer clinic.  So for the next year I know where I will be every three weeks on  Friday.  Don't think I have ever planned anything to the extent. 

By the third bag of meds my hand was very painful but if that is the worst I can manage that. 6 bags of stuff in total. 

Best guess I will lose my hair in about 10 days.  Super glad I went with transitional hair cuts.  Shoulder length for surgery and with blond stripes and the last Wednesday we did short at the back with long bits on the front Vidal Sasson would be proud of the cut big thanks to Dani E for that :)

So I am back home in bed and going to take it easy for the weekend.  Feeling  little nausea but all in all ok.

I also manged to eat a little all and day and kept it healthy and balance proud of me.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME and today I did fight for me :)

The before

So an over the top crazy day and it's tomorrow that is going to be even crazier.  After some serious confusion at the cancer clinic and several hours of delays we finally got my meds all set up.  It truly a test to not just walk (run) away.

Tomorrow I will be doing a 5-6 hour chemo treatment, I don't think I will sleep much but trying not to get to worked up.

Good stuff today was the amazing Elie Hoover who will be 1 tomorrow.  He has the best smile and laugh ever.  I joined the clinical trail so in the future all the cancer he ever has to deal with is already done and maybe I helped.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

New Hair

So scared myself in a good way today.  To get ready for chemo I cut my hair short. It hasn't been this short since I was 5 years old. To my surprise it looks great. I was reminded that getting scared can be a good thing sometimes.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Expectations

Expectations - funny things expectations they are very personal and we rarely share what are expectations are to the people closest to us. In the business world they are very clear; you pay for a service and you get the service in return, expectation met. We wake up each day and expect to put our feet on the floor and carry out of day like we planned. We expect that cities and towns will protect it's people and we are still surprised when they don't.
 

Expectations on a more personal note can be considered our wishes and dreams. We see a dress we like and expect it will look great on ourselves and are surprised even disappointed when it doesn't. We meet people we like and set expectations on how they will see us and like us having never said a word.
 

To have the world meet to exceed our expectation we need to share and we honest with ourselves and the world. No this doesn't mean you don't still have dreams and wishes you can still keep them in your heart where all dreams come true. But in the real world to have your expectations we also need to see ourselves as they are with honest eyes and an open heart. This is the part I am learning to do. To see the cancer for what it is and to fight for me in a way that is real and possible. So this week I start chemo and I expect I will get sick for a while but in the end I will survive this as just another event or adventure, where I have met and exceeded my own expectations.
 

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

To really express myself

For so many years I have been afraid to really express myself for fear of not being liked. I have done to much to not been seen. Now I have a battle on my hands in which I can not afford that attitude anymore.

 

To survive must must be honest with myself and that which happens around me. Including feelings and emotions in and around my life.

 

No life is not fair, it's not suppose to be, we are a sum of all that we deal with. It shapes how we react, how we process and how we move forward.

So this is how I came to "I will fight for me" to be healthy, to be proactive with my life, to not just react to what happens.

A Couple Of Days Off

Well, baseline testing is all completed now. Now we watch to see what the cancer affects or to see if it affects my body in new and festive ways.

 I have a couple of days off. I am going to prep my house for the next 6 months. I was given a whole bunch on info from the cancer clinic. Everything from how to deal with laundry and body fluids (yippee) to losing hair and a dry mouth.

 It's going to be a crazy time. So got books, got a laptop, and tried to get ready as much as I could. I truly am the healthiest I have ever been. So I truly believe this will only be my next challenge.

Tests

The last of my baseline tests in the morning, yikes hell of a baseline is all I can say.

Bit of Background

I was thinking maybe I should give you a bit of background.  And no laughing.  I have survived a car accident 20 years ago.  I was run over yes I said it run over by a car (human speed bump)  he didn't even see me.  But for the most part OK now just some permanent damage to my left hip. Which the lovely and talented Dr. Ryan Hoover & Dr Mike Cione help me with so I can still walk.  I also survived cervical cancer 25 years ago.  I was lost for a very long time but in the last couple of years I have finally started to find my way back to me.

Again The Start of my Journey now I fight for me AND my fight to beat breast cancer.

What I learned about myself is I love with all my heart and half way is not enough.  I will love again and now I like me for me not who he thinks I should be. 

Now I fight for me!

How did I get Here

How did I get here

I gotten ahead of myself; to have gotten this far you need to know a bit of the past. I am over 50 divorced, the only thing I got from my X was fear. Everyday he said I wasn't good enough and after awhile you start to believe that. The one day a light went on and I new I was better than this. He wanted perfect he believed you work at work and when you get home everything should be perfect and I was not. I paid for that everyday we were married. So I grab all the courage I could find and left with the absoult fear of being hurt, but it didn't matter anymore I new I couldn't stay and live.

I left but a huge part of me never really got out of the fear. To the extent I hide for years and till I found a really good doctor was still hidding after 20 years. Sad to say I let the voice of one man affect far far to much of my life. That being said I have fianlly started to move forward. And one of those steps was to get healthy. When you believe a negative voice you start to become what that voice says, sad but true. One of the strange things about getting healthy you can not do it just in your body it must happen in your head first.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

The Start of my Journey

Why should any one care what I write about, I don't but to help someone anyone is indeed a goal. My goal is to be more than I am today. To always learn and move forward. Until 6 weeks ago I though I was the healthiest I have been my whole life and then the floor dropped away.


That truly is the only way to describe being told you have breast cancer. You think you know how you will react and then it never really does that way.


I decided I would put my best foot forward and actually prepare for surgery. I was inspired by the phrase said by my friend Adam "today we work harder, today we get stronger"


So I did, increased my workouts and increased the weights I was lifting. And this was good the surgeon said he wished everyone got ready like it did. Surgery went well they removed the tumor and 5 lymph nodes, and no drainage tubes (very happy). When I took my bandages off I found a happy face done by the surgeon and it was perfect, made me laugh and the scars didn't seem as bad. This might not work for everyone but it was perfect for me.


Now that surgery was done I just had to wait for all the pathology to come back, I knew I had breast cancer and was told what my next steps would be. Silly me was thinking just a round of radiation and we would be good to go.


In the mean time went on vacation to Austin Texas. It was one of my goals to ride in the LiveStrong bike ride. Actually hugely important. You start to think better do this now cause we are not really sure if we will get the chance again. Money, time, and health, all play a part in the opportunity to ride. I was so very glad I did! A very special thanks to Andrey Sokolov for making my trip more than it could ever had been alone.  Best tour guide and the most interesting man in Austin.