I was reminded this week that doctors have bad days too.

I had my oncology checkup and it went horribly sideways to the point I felt just destroyed.  I was so upset that when I got home I went to bed and just hid for the balance of the day and night.

I always schedule my GP appointments the following day to oncology.  My GP is amazing I explained what happened and how I felt destroyed (yes crying my eyes out). She went through everything with me, what he did and what he said.  While this didn’t change anything I still have cancer and I am still on meds every day and there is nothing that can be done, but  I don’t feel as destroyed as I did.  

The whole process reminded me that as I have bad days at work so can a doctor. It’s just that my bad days don’t impact anyone’s life. When an oncologist says there is nothing we can do to his patient; that is very different to when a cashier or teacher or financial analyst like me says it.

I know all too well what your oncologist says and how he/she says it has a huge impact on your day and on your survival. Don’t let one person’s day mess up  your day and or your life. Reach out, find the support you need. It can be anyone! For me and if you know me you know I have mentioned him before but my chiropractor is also an athletic therapist and works out of a gym, so the perfect combo for me; to put my frustration and anger into a positive channel. He has been with me during my whole cancer process even at the finish line of the Ride to Conquer Cancer.

Thank god I have such an amazing support team between my dear friends, GP and my Chiropractor I am alive and kicking.  Don’t get me wrong there are days like this past Wednesday when you think all is lost but let yourself find a way out, give yourself a pass and move forward.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

My First Winter with No Nipples

I do so enjoy having a blog, it is a great place to process “stuff” cancer can’t be all consuming if you let it.  

That being said it can also be strangely funny.  So that is where the title of today’s blog comes from “My First Winter with No Nipples” even just saying it to myself makes me smile.  Yes I know it is very serious subjects so please don’t be offended.

I find it odd that it is the nipple that makes showing breasts illegal and pornographic.  Pretty much everyone has nipples.  I would have thought it would have been the curve of the breast that was sensual. So in most of the modern world I can go topless without breaking any laws.

The next thing I find odd (now that I don’t have nipples) is the size of the industry to cover them up.  The modesty bra market is huge! So much money, time, and concern, to covering a nipple. Holy smoke again everyone has them!

I am very lucky, I have shape now (thank you to my surgeon) but couldn’t keep my nipples.  The risk of the cancer returning completely out weighted the need to keep them.  Yes I can have them tattooed if I want.  Right now I am leaning towards not doing that.

It is strangely liberating t to not worry about any of that; I can wear a t-shirt without hesitation or concern at how the world views my chest. I wear a bra when I want to – like when it’s pretty.  I do wear a sports bar when I workout for protection and sweat not for bounce or nipples.

I can walk in and out of the cold with no care or concern for the nipples affect :)

There aren’t many wins with breast cancer but celebrate this one with me “I have no nipples” wahooo xoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Banging my Head Against a Wall

So today was an incredible frustrating day.  

As some of you may know, I started my company and my goal is to help cancer survivors get some of there strength back.  

I know first hand how difficult that is, no one will let you try. We don't let people be less than and help them work on being more than. Silly me thought a place that has a cancer support system in place would help with that.  They are more concerned with covering there ass. Or maybe it's just protecting there ass, they don't want to see the forest for the trees.

I don't know maybe; I need to start my own foundation and not worry about the negative folks.  Either way I will continue in my goal to help cancer survivors like me get there strength back. Whether is it with walking poles or in a pool or even just conversation like this. Let me know what you think.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ugggghhh

Hi everyone I hope you are well.

It's been 4 months since surgery and healing well.  Scar tissue stays tender for a long time, busted open some stitches the other day and I still have thread coming out. I am very tired at the end of the day, OMG healing takes energy.

The only yucky part is I have a new lump one the upper part of my right chest, I know @*&^&*$*^&%&$^& are the words I used.

So this Friday I have blood work, meetings, and tests, fingers crossed it is not malignant.  My oncologist is also going to change my meds.  First we have to find out if I am strong enough to take them. I know crazy, you know I am strong enough. lol I will let you know how it goes.

Good news too, I got to attend a meeting at the Alberta Cancer Foundation, hopefully late in 2016 I can be a patient advocate.  Hopefully my experiences can help others, maybe even a little less stressful for them.

I did get my ribbon tattoo done, part 1, writing to be added later.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

A Great Event

Hi Everyone,

Two weeks ago I got to be part of an amazing event.  It was call BRA "Breast Reconstruction Awareness" I was a volunteer.  I know what your thinking and you said so. This was pretty cool, I volunteered in the "Show and Tell" room.  Yup show and tell, there was a group of about 20 women all survivors that had all kinds of reconstruction done and at different stages of completion. I was lucky enough to be the most recent. We were all given shawls to cover ourselves if we every felt uncomfortable.  

Before the doors opened to the guest each of us stood up and showed off what we had done. We were all different ages, sizes, and procedures. All of us a bit nervous, I have never sat in a room with 20 topless women before. But each of us one by one told are stories and it was absolutely amazing.  

We were put in small groups with info in front of us stating are names and what we had done. Then women could come into the room and find one of us to chat with about what they were dealing with and what they were thinking about getting done.  And yes every possible question came up.  It was so cool to be celebrated and be celebrating my shape and figure and mu sucess.  Because I was the most recent and the only one with scares like mine I was busy all evening and met an amazing group of women. By the end of the night I felt so beautiful for all the right reason it's hard to even put into words. The amazing celebration of life and the human body was just brilliant.  And yes I will do it again next year.

People ask me all the time why do I talk about Breast Cancer so much - well this event showed me that I am on the right track and we could all use an evening where we are seen as beautiful for all the right reasons.  Light, Laughter, and Knowledge is pretty cool.

As Always!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ok to be OK

Hi Everyone; I hope you are well.  

I am very happy to report that the infection is finally going down even I can tell now.  I am still trying to walk everyday some days better than others :)

I had a really good day yesterday and god knows why, but a really difficult night. The emotional roller coaster of cancer can be a challenge some days. 

People ask you all the time how you doing and you dare not answer the way you want too.  1. cause that doesn't help anyone including yourself and 2. they don't know you have been asked that by every single person you see the same question. They are just trying to show they care, it nice of them to ask.

So here it goes; I am not amazing, I am not fabulous, I am not awesome, I am also not bad, I am not that worried, what I am is OK. What does it means to be OK.  It means I am holding my own and most days keeping my head up and eyes looking forward and staying positive (very important to me). I still have dreams, wishes and wants, I dream of a day with no cancer.  I have made one major decision.  I takes courage to be OK. It's not a bad thing to be OK it's a peaceful thing. So today I say with pride and quite resolve I am OK.

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

P.S. please leave me a comment so I know you are OK to :)

Moving Forward

Hi Everyone;

Very happy to report, all drainage tubes are out and the infection is slowly going away! 

I am very happy with the way I look and feel, yes I still have lots of healing to happen but everything is good. In two more weeks I can start physio.  It was/is a challenge to not lift anything more than 5 pounds.  In two weeks that is all done and I can start to push myself a bit more. 

I do walk every day and get lots of fresh air and last Thursday I sat on a spin bike for 30 minutes.  I was tired after but it felt great to be a bit more active. 

I have manged to show a couple of friends my new chest and everyone is impressed on how it looks, no not normal but my new normal.  For me it is strangely liberating not to have nipples. I know I have said that before but it is very true. I love my chest without nipples. Now my scares are different I haven't found any pictures that are like me and it may be that I had the double mastectomy with reconstruction at the same time. I have circles where my nipples would have been.  This may be why I am ok with everything I have something there, not just plain skin.  

So here is to my fab new chest!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME