Jeez I hate Cancer

So I saw my radiation oncologist yesterday. She confirmed I have lymphadema in my breast and chest. So what does that mean. Well my right boob that I had had the tumor and cancer, which I got ready to deal with it being small than the left one, is currently larger.  It is swollen and very sore. I get to massage it every night and fingers crossed in 6 months it should be better. The skin texture will take 2 to 3 years to go back to normal.

Strangely what bothers me most is when people find out I have breast cancer than stare at my chest, you can almost here them say it out loud, then why do you still have boobs. I will not apologize for having cancer or how I look. God someday's it feels like I have been doing that my whole life in one way or other. Afraid of people and what they think of me. I know crazy, but no more, this is me. Uneven, swollen and cancer kicking me.

Cancer is such a test of everything I have ever dealt with and then some. The next person you talk to who has cancer or even if they don't be kind they are dealing with allot of shit.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

The Ride Done and Dusted

Last weekend was the Ride to Conquer Cancer - it's 5th year and I have done all of them. This year was different.  It was a year less two days since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had the honour and privilege to be the ride survivor speaker at the opening ceremonies.  Yup I was a little freaked to speak to that large of a crowd, no hiding now, shit!

We had rehearsal on the Friday night before and I got through it, the MC Brian is a very kind man who's support and friendship have been outstanding.  Saturday morning OMG crowded.  Huge emotional moment but also cathartic.  It's interesting when you say things out loud, releasing them to the universe. They become over the top real but at the same time less scary. Just one more example of how the light and knowledge is how we will survive cancer and fingers crossed we will beat it.


this is me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G428ko9LTY

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Another One Done

Today I finished another treatment. number 12 of 17.  God I still hate the way I smell after treatment. It is the epitome of a chemical smell but it is coming from inside me. yuck! 

Chemo clinic was very busy today so they took me in the bone marrow clinic, it was lovely and quite in there.  Had an outstanding nurse "Sarah" who was able to use a smaller needle in my chest not like the regular hose they use, that's what it feels and looks like anyway. Love people who always go the extra step! The staff at Tom Baker are amazing and do a lovely job with so many people. The lease I can do is do to chemo with a smile on my face and happy to be there.

Some good news it was confirmed this week I have no new tumors (yippee)  but they don't know why I am so swollen so on to the next expert in late August.  I have just been told to keep an eye on it.  If it changes colour or get hot to call the doctor asap.  Funny currently my half boob is bigger than it was when we started all this.

All in all a very stress couple of weeks have a happy ending well at least less stressful ending. 


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Exercise and Goals part two

Cool stuff about exercise is it gives you back parts of your life if you let it.  

For about 20 years I haven't been able to get up on a chair. You know when you can't reach something you pull up a chair and get it.  Well I have had to get a step ladder or get someone else to do it for me. (hated that)  But this week I got new curtains for my bedroom pulled up a chair and put them up.  It was so cool to be able to just step and down.  Very Happy!

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Exercise and My Goals

A question I have been asked by several people is what are my goals.  Depending on who's asking decides which ones we are talking about. In this case it is with regards to my weight.  All along I have been saying my goal is to be fit.  And I have to confess that is not completely true. If I was to be honest with myself I do want to be fit but I also really care about the number on the scale.  I want a number to be proud of.  I want a body and figure to be proud of before I die.  The last time I really felt like that I was a teenager. For a variety of reasons and events after that I started to hide myself. I became afraid. Now I can't really afford to do that any more.

It's time to get my head in shape and my body will follow.


I WILL FIGHT FOR ME

Ugh

So new lump find out Monday what it might be, hoping it's nothing but hard to sleep.

The Luxury of Bullshit

The luxury of bullshit. I know what the hell is that.  It is what I call what cancer has done to my everyday thinking.  

The luxury of bullshit is what you have before you are told you have cancer.  After that, if I wanted to survive I had to let go of all the bullshit. You know the shit you tell yourself that stops you being, the best you can be. 

It comes with the idea we have a limited time left.  It might not happen to everyone but it did me.  This last year two major things have happened.  One I was told I have breast cancer and the second I had decided to get healthy just before my diagnosis. Both items are inter-connected and strangely, I couldn't have done without the other.  What the hell does that have to do with bullshit you ask.  Well, to deal with the cancer; I decided to face it head on, eyes wide open to all of it, good and bad. My treatment plan is pretty hard core. As a result to be successful I could no longer lie to myself I had to see me for me. This ended up being the best thing for my second goal to get healthy.  The only reason I was overweight was, that I was bullshitting myself everyday. I was holding myself back from being the best Mary Beth there is, just because of fear.  Silly but very real fears.  So thank you to cancer and eliminating the luxury of bullshit.  I am 3/4 of my way through cancer treatment and 3/4 way to my first very major goal weight in 35 years. 

No more hiding!

I have a group of people that have been outstanding support - you know who you are. All my love to you. xoxoxoxox

I WILL FIGHT FOR ME